I’m a peds resident and I always tell the new moms at the newborn and subsequent well baby visits that you can’t take care of someone else unless you take care of yourself first, and one of the most important ways to have a healthy baby is to have a healthy mom. Also I think it’s so important to model behavior and norms for kids early, so I agree that kids should see their moms reading on the couch or taking time for themselves in ways that are important to them!
Don't feel guilt, and don't judge. Parenthood taught me those two mantras. I had two kids 19 months apart and I kept my job, my life, and my sanity. They're teens now, and my husband did and does pull his 50%. I realize I am very privileged. I worked 100% remotely at the time and kept my daughter home with me for over a year, nursing her exclusively for 6 months and then weaning her after she was a year old. Then I sent her to daycare down the street and did the same process for my son before sending him to daycare.
One interesting thing was that I was super relaxed and relieved with my son. I knew the sleepless nights would end, and I knew that it all goes by so quickly. Do whatever feels right for you. Until recently, parenting meant benign neglect and yet most people turned out ok.
Congratulations! If you are thinking of having more kids, I recommend having them close in age. It's madness for a bit - you're awash in spit up, drowning in diapers, need a double stroller, two car seats etc. Then magically that's all gone and they are entertaining each other. I'm so glad my kids had each other during COVID home school.
Nisha, my son was born at the end of March (I believe our babies are super close in age?) and I've so enjoyed reading your thoughts on new motherhood. Just wanted to pop in and say thank you.
PS: For a truly wild read, check out "For Her Own Good: 150 Years of the Experts' Advice to Women," by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English. Explores the (hilarious/frightening) history of "expert" advice given to moms. Older book but a classic. Fascinating, frustrating, and most important—made me feel even more at peace with being a "half-assed" mom.
Ugh I’m sorry to hear you have all this guilt! We don’t have a 50/50 in our house in terms of childcare but I’ve gone to dinner’s out, plenty of drinks, gotten a massage, gone to a 4 day work conference, & a bachelorette in the last 10 months and not felt any guilt. It’s so great to have a competent partner happy to let you do your things - relish it!!
I am on the other side of the motherhood journey, but I remember all.of.this.
I also really enjoyed early motherhood. (I didn't love toddlerhood quite so much 😉) I chose to have only one and people STILL, 25 years later, ask me if I regret it.
I have pals with no kids for all kinds of reason and pals with a gang of them. My wish is that we could be just be a teensy bit kinder to each other about it all.
People also tell me the toddler years are worse 😂 but nothing anyone told me has really been true so far so who knows! I hope you are enjoying it on the other side!
I’m a peds resident and I always tell the new moms at the newborn and subsequent well baby visits that you can’t take care of someone else unless you take care of yourself first, and one of the most important ways to have a healthy baby is to have a healthy mom. Also I think it’s so important to model behavior and norms for kids early, so I agree that kids should see their moms reading on the couch or taking time for themselves in ways that are important to them!
This is great advice! Totally agree!
Don't feel guilt, and don't judge. Parenthood taught me those two mantras. I had two kids 19 months apart and I kept my job, my life, and my sanity. They're teens now, and my husband did and does pull his 50%. I realize I am very privileged. I worked 100% remotely at the time and kept my daughter home with me for over a year, nursing her exclusively for 6 months and then weaning her after she was a year old. Then I sent her to daycare down the street and did the same process for my son before sending him to daycare.
One interesting thing was that I was super relaxed and relieved with my son. I knew the sleepless nights would end, and I knew that it all goes by so quickly. Do whatever feels right for you. Until recently, parenting meant benign neglect and yet most people turned out ok.
Congratulations! If you are thinking of having more kids, I recommend having them close in age. It's madness for a bit - you're awash in spit up, drowning in diapers, need a double stroller, two car seats etc. Then magically that's all gone and they are entertaining each other. I'm so glad my kids had each other during COVID home school.
Nisha, my son was born at the end of March (I believe our babies are super close in age?) and I've so enjoyed reading your thoughts on new motherhood. Just wanted to pop in and say thank you.
PS: For a truly wild read, check out "For Her Own Good: 150 Years of the Experts' Advice to Women," by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English. Explores the (hilarious/frightening) history of "expert" advice given to moms. Older book but a classic. Fascinating, frustrating, and most important—made me feel even more at peace with being a "half-assed" mom.
Congratulations! I hope your transition to new parenthood is going well, too. And thanks for the book rec - I'll add it to my list!
You KNOW I love this one so much Nisha! Also have to plug this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Youre-Doing-Wrong-Mothering-Expertise/dp/0813593794
I interviewed the authors for Momfluenced and they're both absolutely brilliant!
Thank you - it sounds like a great read, I will def check it out!
Ugh I’m sorry to hear you have all this guilt! We don’t have a 50/50 in our house in terms of childcare but I’ve gone to dinner’s out, plenty of drinks, gotten a massage, gone to a 4 day work conference, & a bachelorette in the last 10 months and not felt any guilt. It’s so great to have a competent partner happy to let you do your things - relish it!!
It is wonderful to have a great partner! Glad you are getting to enjoy yourself too!
I am on the other side of the motherhood journey, but I remember all.of.this.
I also really enjoyed early motherhood. (I didn't love toddlerhood quite so much 😉) I chose to have only one and people STILL, 25 years later, ask me if I regret it.
I have pals with no kids for all kinds of reason and pals with a gang of them. My wish is that we could be just be a teensy bit kinder to each other about it all.
Enjoy this sweet time.
People also tell me the toddler years are worse 😂 but nothing anyone told me has really been true so far so who knows! I hope you are enjoying it on the other side!
The guilt over having an enjoyable motherhood experience is real - thanks for sharing